#the band was in a hole under the stage it looks cramped as hell down there

[divine-draws]

Jackie didn’t do relationships. Sure he’d sometimes have a fuck buddy. Maybe he’d hit someone up to hang or spend the night together. He mainly would catch one night stands. The one thing that he made clear was that Jackson Alex Ouellette did not do relationships nor did he catch feelings of all things. Period. So why in the world did he feel like he was being shot when Walker left his room saying they were done?

Sure Walker and him had been long time friends with benefits. And okay so maybe Jackie hadn’t been sleeping with anyone BUT him for the past so many months, but it wasn’t like they were dating or anything. Dating meant feelings. Dating did not mean they would go out and more often than not would fall into a bed at some point. They were friends anyway. Friends could hang out. Maybe he was just upset because Walker wanted space from him for a bit? That had to be it, right?

Jackie didn’t sleep that night. He spent most of it laying in bed or chain smoking out on the cramped balcony of his and Topaz’s shared apartment. At one point, he reached for a bottle of something strong, he didn’t know what it was but the burn and bitter taste grounded him before leaving him feeling lighter than before. He was not heartbroken. He couldn’t be. He couldn’t be heartbroken over some guy he wasn’t even in a relationship with. Topaz found him finally passed out on the couch when she came back from an appointment. Practice later that day would be hell and he no doubt would show up hungover and out of it.

It was a month before Walker texted him to hang out. The second the name registered in his groggy state, Jackie sprung up in his bed. His hands were not shaking because it was Walker. His heart rate didn’t sky rocket as he opened up the message and shakily type out a response. They were friends. There were no feelings there.

It was four months of things being back to normal, sans the sex, before Walker started seeing someone. Jackie shouldn’t be surprised. When him and Walker got involved, he did say he was more than okay with things being a friends with benefits situation even though he typically did relationships. Jackie should not be surprised when Walker starts talking about his boyfriend and bringing him around, but he feels like someone kicked him in the chest leaving him sputtering for air. His chest aches and he hangs out with Walker less when his boyfriend is going to be involved. They show up to a show at some point, and Jackie doesn’t leave with a groupie. It’s not because he has feelings, no, it’s just because he just wasn’t feeling it that night. His hand rubbed his chest as he downed another shot. 

It was five more months until Jackie decided to take a break from the band. It honestly isn’t a decision involving Walker. It is something that can be said with confidence. Jackie refused to think that the resulting waves left in his wake did cause some of the issues that led to this. Jackie spends a lot of time thinking from that point on, be it in a high or drunk state or completely sober. He visits home and returns, accent still dripping from his tongue as he pays for a pack of cigarettes at the 24/7 convenience store in some dingy part of Richmond. His hands shake as he lights up, back pressed against the cold brick. His hands continue to shake as he smokes in the middle of the night, back pressed firmly against the side of the convenience store. They shake as smoke blows from his lips and shake as he digs a palm into his eye. They shake as the rest of his body mimics the twitching tremble, acceptance crashing over him. 

Jackson Alex Ouellette did not do feelings or relationships, and yet, he was undeniably in love with Walker. 

Jackie spends the following three months rather alone. He still goes out. He still talks with his (ex?) band members. He may have moved out of their old shared apartment (he doesn’t like to think how the bedroom had too many memories), but he still speaks to Topaz all the time. They still make jabs at each other over twitter. He still sometimes sees Walker, but he is alone. He spends a lot of this time writing music and frustratingly dumping a lot of half written songs. For the first time, Jackie felt like his hands couldn’t play the right cords. For the first time, he didn’t feel like a natural. Jackie finds out at some point that Walker and his boyfriend had broken up. He doesn’t reach out to console him and Walker doesn’t reach out for comfort. Jackie honestly didn’t care if it was fucked up that he spoke to him and saw him more after that. It was simultaneously so nice and the worst feeling to be around Walker more. 

One night, they come to Jackie’s apartment, though there’s no stumbling through the door as they pull clothes off. This time they sit on his tiny ass couch and drink, talking and making fun of some shitty movie. This time, when Walker asks if he’s been writing anything, Jackie nods with a hum and takes a long sip of his drink. This time he doesn’t leave his sheet music and notebooks out in the open for Walker to peer at. He doesn’t indulge Walker in a rant about the composition. He doesn’t drag out a guitar to strum some cords. Walker’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes just as Jackie’s words don’t reach his lips. 

That night, Walker drinks a bit too much, they both have, and places a heavy hand on Jackie’s thigh, much too high to be anything innocent. For the first time, Jackie pulls away, standing up. He feels like his throat is closing in and his chest aches. Words tumble out, telling Walker he can crash on the couch for the night. He leaves a blanket for Walker and promptly locks himself in his room for the rest of the night. He doesn’t leave until well in the morning, after he hears Walker get up and leave the apartment. Jackie doesn’t do feelings, and he is reminded again why exactly that is. 

Three months pass and Jackie finds himself on a stage again. He would feel at ease. He would be flirting with the crowd. He would be throwing lazy smirks around and joking. He would feel at home up on that state, but tonight things are different. A lot of things have been different since Walker, haven’t they? He manages to muster enough of a greeting to the crowd that was pressed close and there’s enough excite to loosen his shoulders a bit. Jackie begins to strum, eyes shut tight until the first words leave his lips. From that point, his eyes really begin to scan the crowd as he sings into the mic. He feels like his voice trembles too much but maybe that’ll be to his advantage somehow? Sell the song? He tries to keep his mind on that until the lyrics “I love you” leaves his lips and he goes numb, eyes locking with Walker’s in that moment. 

Jackie is shaking when he leaves the stage. He felt like he wasn’t really in his body at that point. He was floating off somewhere else and it wasn’t a good feeling in this case. Jackie doesn’t stick around long enough to help pack things up besides setting his guitar in its case and snapping it shut. He stumbles further back down a tight hall. He slips into the bathroom and clutches the sink to try and anchor himself down. Cold water to the face only goes so far as he continues to tremble and grip the sink with white knuckles. He can only focus on the chipped sink and the cracked mirror for so long, and when the door opens he lets his eyes shut. 

“It was a good show.” Jackie nods, not opening his eyes. He doesn’t have to to know who it is. There’s silence for a brief moment before Walker speaks up again. 

“I liked your opening song the best.” He doesn’t have to tack on the question for Jackie to know where this is going, and he sure as hell doesn’t have to say who it was about. 

“I mean it. The words and-... All of it.” Walker hums and Jackie can’t see it but he knows he’s crossing his arms and probably leaning a shoulder against the tiled wall, staring at him.

“How long?” The breath leaves Jackie’s lungs and he dares to open his eyes though they don’t leave staring down into the drain of the sink. 

“Since I realized it or since I’ve felt it?” There’s a bitter amusement to his voice that Jackie hopes hides the tremble of it. He doesn’t wait for the answer before continuing with a sigh. 

“I don’t know how long I’ve felt like this.. It-... It hurt when you left but… Months? God too many months with- With this shit in my head.” Finally Jackie’s eyes tear away from the sink and take in Walker. He looked good. He always did (except for that time after he took a break and broke up with his boyfriend, Jackie’s brain supplied). Jackie knew that whatever facade he managed to conjure on the stage was gone. In the harsh lighting of the bathroom he no doubt looked as tired as he felt. As disheveled as he felt. As fucking helpless as he felt. 

Walker laughed. He laughed and Jackie didn’t feel the tears slip down his cheek until Walker’s warm hand came to swipe them away. He still smiled slightly but his features twisted into concern as he crowded into Jackie’s space, fingers curling under his chin to tilt his head up as the others danced across his freckled cheeks to smear away any tears. 

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” Jackie didn’t know. Or at least he didn’t know what he meant. All too soon Walker’s warmth was gone though he looked back to give Jackie a nod, beckoning him to follow. “Lets get you home..”

Jackie was still trembling as they sat on his cramped couch once again. He was itching for a smoke even though he had just got back in from one. Walker leaned back some, body angled towards Jackie as he crossed his arms again. He was thinking. Jackie’s leg jiggled and bounced as pent up anxiety crawled and itched its way through his body. He resisted the urge to scratch at his neck. 

“I loved you,” Walker finally says. Jackie flinches a bit and picks at the fraying strands of the holes in his jeans.”I guess it was unfair though, y’know? I told you I was fine with the sex and nothing more, but.. I guess I wasn’t? I mean at first I was. And then, Jackie, then I fell in love with you and shit hurt too much. It was unfair to try and demand something from you that I knew you didn’t want. I cut my losses and went to the just friends thing.”

There was a lull of silence before Jackie spoke up. “So not anymore?” Walker hummed a contemplative hum.

“Kind of.. I let myself fall for someone else. I was happy I-.. Anyway, it didn’t work out. I don’t know if I love you the same way anymore… Maybe that’s a good thing. I don’t think I ever lost my feelings for you though, but I was fine with the just friends thing, y’know?” Jackie sunk further into the couch. He was being let down. He missed his chance with Walker and he spilled his guts in a song in a bar and he was being let down. Walker wasn’t done speaking though and he kind of wished he would just let Jackie sulk off to his room as Walker left. Again.

“But… I don’t think.. I don’t think I’m opposed to giving this a shot.” Jackie’s head spun and he looked up at Walker. “We’ve gotta have some terms or whatever though because I-.... I refuse to put myself into that position again. I know I’m not okay with no strings attached this time.”

“It won’t be,” the words crawled out of Jackie’s throat sounding raw. 

For the first time, Jackie made an exception.. For the first time, he did do feelings. The thought still left him shaking and terrified of what would happen, but for the first time he found someone he could trust.